From the Back of the Stage
Kai/Aoi (the GazettE)
(PG13)
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Ai,

 

People tend to overlook the drummer. It’s a sad fact of the industry. Really, what do drummers do? We sit in the back, behind our kits, more often than not obscured and out of sight, and provide rhythm for the rest of the band. The guitarists and vocalists get the most attention. They’re on the forefront, out in the open. Visible to everyone. Even in the PV’s we’re given very little screen time.

 

But for myself, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I enjoy my position, my place at the back. I’d rather be back here than up there where Ruki is, believe me. That’s more responsibility than I care to have. Being leader to this band is hard enough as it is without having to worry about rousing the fans to a standing roar.

 

There’s another reason I like it back here. One that not a lot of people know about. One that only a few are party to, and even fewer accept. I like it back here because I get to watch.

 

Okay, okay, I know what you’re thinking. ‘Kai, you’re a sick and twisted voyeur.’ And maybe I am. But you have to understand the dynamic of our band to understand why I do it. To understand the thrill I get by doing what I do, by being able to see what I see.

 

Have you ever watched Reita? His steadfast stance, his energetic fingers and hands flying and making his bass roar. His smile as he gets lost in the heartbeat that he and I create together. His dynamic style, the way he holds himself and his bass. The positive glow of harmony that emanates from him.

 

What about Uruha? Have you ever just looked at him? He’s more than a sex symbol, he’s a god. He plays his guitar like a lover, each and every touch to string and fret a caress of passion. He never misses, and he plays to the crowd in such a way that they are driven to their knees at the very sight.

 

And have you ever cried for Ruki? I can’t count how many times his performances have brought me to quiet sobs behind my drums, making my hands shake until I fear that I can’t play another beat. His energy, his joy, his beauty. I never know the power of our songs until we play them live. His voice ringing loud and clear, each word given just the right amount of force and emotion that you’re swept away by them and into another world.

 

But, it’s you that I watch the most. You. I believe there’s a reason that your stage name means blue. Because that’s the aura you give off, the calm blue of the ocean before the storm. That’s what you are, that’s the way you are. To watch you dance, each and every sway of your hips, every twist and turn, every step you take. You lose yourself in the moments, giving everything you have to the music you play.

 

It’s those moments that I love so much. When you’re miles away from the stage, when your heart is being thrown out to the crowd on the waves of music. Then your lips begin to move and I know you’re singing along with Ruki, I know you’re really gone then. And then, you toss your hair back and shoot me a glance over your shoulder, and I hear you as if you’ve screamed.

 

“I won’t go where you can’t follow. I’m never far away, I’m always with you. I always take you with me.”

 

How I wish I could be down there with you sometimes. Especially in those times.

 

That’s why I seek you out after, why I get close to you. We never touch, not right away, but we stay within reach. And when the others have gone, when we’re finally left alone, that’s when we act.

 

All of the passion of our performance, all of the energy that we’ve created within ourselves, is spent on one another. Sometimes you lead, other times I do, but we always go together. Through our private acts, you show me the place you go to when we play. You lead me to your Eden, your beautiful oasis. Time and again, we rise to the heights of that euphoric state until there’s no way to tell up from down, left from right.

 

Over the years, our lives have become entwined with one another. And to be honest, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I truly believe that my place, my position in the band, is a blessing. I get to see the things that all of you do, I get to live those emotions with you. All of them. Joy, sorrow, ecstasy, and agony. All the things we feel when we play, when we love, we feel them together.

 

Aoi, if time and my life were to stop tomorrow, I’d go happily in the knowledge that I’ve been able to love you, to be near you and hold you. I’ve been able to watch you from the back of the stage. And for that, I am grateful.

 

Now, always, and forever yours,

 

Kai