Die / Kyo
(Strong R)
“We always thought this would happen.” Damn Toshiya for being so blunt.
“I can’t believe I ignored all the signs.” Don’t blame yourself, Kaoru.
“Kao, it’s not your fault.” Finally, Toshiya says something right.
“Why the hell did he have to do that to himself? What the fuck was he trying to prove?” Damn… Shinya…
Three sets of pain-filled eyes turn on a thin, clearly distraught figure curled upon itself on one end of the couch.
Never knew you had it in you.
Kaoru’s the first to react, but his only movement is to imitate a dying fish. Toshiya visibly twitches, clearly torn between going to comfort the drummer and wanting to run from the broken drumstick clutched in Shinya’s hands.
Strong… but not strong enough.
Shinya’s eyes flicker to me once and a while and I can see his anguish clearly, mixed with a touch of loathing. Wait. When did I become the bad guy? What did I do? Oh… wait…
Shinya, I’m sorry.
“Do you think we should help his family with all the arrangement?” Toshiya, shut up.
“No. I tried, but they say they can handle it.”
“But… we’re his family too.” Not family enough.
“Not enough so. They don’t want us involved.” When you put it that way, Kaoru, it sounds like we never mattered at all.
I don’t get it. None of us do. What went wrong? Where did we fuck up? How did we let him down so badly that he…?
“I hate him.” Whoa, Shinya, play nice with the dead. “I hate him for what he did.”
Toshiya finally cracks, burying his face in his hands. Kaoru pulls him close, the motion automatic, a preprogrammed response to the situation. All we hear for a few moments is his sobbing but we’re all too numbed by what’s happened to do anything other than go through the motions.
I find it hard to believe how quiet I’ve been throughout this whole ordeal. I haven’t said a single word since the night they carried him out of his apartment. Not a sound. I’ve refused to touch my guitar, either. That in itself pisses Kaoru off, but what the hell do I care for anymore?
“There’s got to be something we can do.” Toshiya… why bother? We did what we could.
“There’s nothing.” Kaoru, my hero. “All we can do is say…”
“No.” Shinya must be channeling the anger issue. “No. I won’t. He doesn’t deserve it. Bastard.”
Oh, Shinya, if only I could tell you. If only I could make my voice work to tell you. If only I could tell what he…
“He does deserve it.” Kao, how do you stay so calm? “He deserves it more than you know.”
Our beautiful drummer, normally so calm, so cold, so fragile, shoots daggers at our band leader. If looks could kill, Kaoru would be a goner. Then we’d be burying two instead of just one.
“He left us, Kaoru!” Shinya hisses, throwing the pieces of his drumstick across the room, launching himself to his feet. “He left us! He left you, left Toshiya and Daisuke, and he left me! He’s a bastard and I hate him!”
Toshiya gasps, staring at Shinya between his fingers. Kaoru deadpans the room, searching for something, anything, to use as a defense. Shinya’s cold glare turns on me.
“And you,” he growls, taking a menacing step forward. I’m dead. “You’re the reason, aren’t you? You did this, you took him away! Didn’t you? Didn’t you!?”
He launches himself at me, eyes flashing and fingers outstretched. I sit here, waiting, wanting the pain, but it never comes. Kaoru is much faster, grabbing Shinya around his waist, mindless of the beating he is now taking on his back and shoulders. Toshiya has thrown himself across me, arms outstretched to either side, terror in his expression.
“Let me go!” Shinya screams, clawing and punching at Kaoru. “It’s his fault, Die’s fault! He took Kyo away! He took him away! Bastard! How could you? How could you fucking do this to us?!”
Forgive me… forgive me… I failed you all…
Sobbing, Shinya sags to the floor, his shoulder length hair draping across his face. Kaoru lets him go and moves back, a hand clasped firmly over the bleeding claw mark in his upper arm. Silently, I slip around Toshiya and kneel in front of Shinya.
“Die, don’t…” Toshiya begins, but I wave him off. I have to do this.
Shinya’s beautiful face is soaked, his eyes red and swollen. I touch his chin to make him look at me, telling him with my eyes what my voice won’t say.
Hit me. Please, gods, hit me.
Grimacing, he draws back a hand and open-palm slaps me. My head snaps to the side, but I bring it back to face him. Twice, three times, then a fourth, Shinya slaps me, voicing a cry with each blow. I hear Toshiya crying again. I’m sorry.
“How… could you?” Shinya gasps out, clutching convulsively at my shirt, leaning his forehead against my shoulder. “How could you do this?”
I reach up to caress Shinya’s hair and back, heedless of the blood running beneath my left eye.
“Shinya,” I whisper, my voice almost painful. “It wasn’t me, but I saw it happen. I couldn’t stop him. But… Shinya, he loved you. You, above all. Not me.” Kyo, forgive me. “He told me that. He told me he loved you, but he could never have you. He was afraid. Shinya, he made me watch him die. In the end, he blamed me, just like you are. And if it makes it easier for you to accept, then blame me. Blame me because I didn’t stop him.”
I push Shinya from me and get to my feet. Ignoring Kaoru and Toshiya’s stares, I leave the room. I leave the building, leave the city. I leave it all. Because it hurts so damn much, too much to bear.
Gods, I don’t want to do this anymore. I close my eyes and see him. Kyo, our beautiful friend, lying in his blood on the floor. Shinya’s eyes, tear reddened and swollen, glaring blame at me. Toshiya’s crumpled form on the couch, grieving for the one who had first accepted him. And Kaoru, ever stoic, ever strong, sitting broken like a discarded puppet. I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t.
Goodbye.
~End~
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